Dear future baby,
I wanted to write this to you to let you know you were loved and wanted long before you even were born.
When I was a child myself, I didn’t want children at all! My own childhood was filled with sadness which mired my view of being a mother. I was diagnosed in my early 20s with PCOS and was told I would have difficulty having a baby but I never imagined how much.
This all changed in 2008 when I fell pregnant completely by accident. The pregnancy was full of problems but the more time that went on the more I loved him. I called him Henry but he never took his first breath.
After losing Henry, I knew I wanted to be a Mum again. I met your father at about the same time. We rather boringly met through friends. He quickly moved into my little flat with rabbits and my collections and filled it with guitars and computers. We decided on 2011 that we would like a baby and started to ‘try’. We had a chemical pregnancy in the August. I remember taking a test just before we went to a wedding and spending the whole evening so happy before the dream coming crashing down 2 days later. We kept trying but my cycles were very long and despite several months of charts and supplements, there were still no 2 lines on the pregnancy tests. The disappointment and stress lead us to take a break so I could finish uni and your dad wanted to save for a house. I felt very guilty for not wanting to have a baby when I was a child myself and had lots of sadness about this being why we didn’t conceive. I know that’s silly now but I felt it was my fault. I wanted to make your dad a father too and didn’t want to let him down.
In 2013-14 we moved to the south and I had some health issues so we didn’t really ‘try’ to get pregnant but didn’t stop you coming either. I used to dream about falling pregnant and being a little family with you and your dad but nothing ever happened. We did buy a house though and had lots of adventures!
I made contact with my own dad which helped me a lot to come to terms with my own childhood and feelings about being a mother myself.
Then we started actively trying to have a baby in 2015. My cycles were still very long and we saw a specialist in May 2016. We tried 6 rounds of one medication followed by another 6 months of another, both without success. We finished the medication nearly a year ago now. The consultant told us last time we saw him, that we would need IVF to have you . They had said this before but it feels very real now we have no other options for medication. I cried a lot when they told us and felt like I had failed as a mother before I had even started. Gradually, over the last year I have come to terms with having IVF but now need to lose some weight and save some money to pay for this.
Despite all the stress of not having a baby, your dad and I have stuck together. We have filled our home with animals and love ready for you to come and make it a big mess. I feel less like I’ve failed you and your dad the more people I see who have their babies through IVF. And your dad is very excited about the prospect of having a ‘science’ baby!
Please know that you are loved, wanted and waited for as long as you take.